First year of motherhood

Sunday, September 17, 2006

2 weeks to go for my son's first birthday inshallah. I have no idea how i am going to celebrate it yet, as its going to be in ramadhan and people are not really up for parties at that time. So it will probably be a small gathering at my house since he is too young to appreciate it anyway. After all the first birthday is mostly for us parents and family and friends..

It's been almost a year and i still stare at him in wonder while he sleeps. whenever he does something new like look up when i say up or dance in his serious funny way... i realise how much adults underestimate the intelligence of children. he's beautiful to me.. and i think i will always feel that no matter how old he gets (one of my friends say beautiful is for girls not boys... but beautiful is the word i feel so there :P)

i feel that this age is the most crucial age.. not the first year when mostly its about taking care of your child.. but rather this stage where you set the stage for him.. teaching him objects, words and the difference between right and wrong.. and once you start on this path it never ends..

the dilemma of a working mother is that she is rarely ever has the time to teach her children ... i find myself going home at 5 in the evening.. spending like an hour with him, mostly feeding him and bathing him .. then he gets all cranky and its time for bed..

i come home to find out he had learned something new like pointing to the tv when you say tv,, and although its an extreme joy to see him learning.. a small part of you is sad that it wasn't you who taught him this little (or big?) thing.

everyone keeps telling me u have all the time in the world to teach him things.. but the truth is i don't.. time is precious every minute that passes by is a minute less of your life..

maybe i am over fussy.. but that's just the way i am.

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Depressed..

Thursday, September 07, 2006

1) Yesterday my son fell off our bed.. this is the second time that it happened and this time i am fully to blame.. i had just given him a shower and dressed him then turned to pick up something when he decided to try and take a look and sort of rolled off the bed.. our very high bed .. and onto the very hard no carpet floor.

needless to say i got the fright of my life and kept checking him for breaks all night.. i felt so depressed after that.. totally put me off celebrating my wedding anniversery (yes it was our 2nd anniversery yesterday).. my husband got really stressed out when our son fell which is natural and i felt guilty all night.. actually i still do..

2) i have been going through a rough time at work recently.. the work is the same but me and my boss are at odds and as a result i got passed over for promotion when i was due. although i was promised that it will be resolved etc.. i haven't seen anything yet.. and i feel depressed just being in the office.. i just feel totally put off and don't want to deal with this issue anymore.. i know i am a coward and i always like to run away..but i am exhausted emotionally from this.. i mean even if it is resolved,, just looking at his face depresses me.. i know that i am not naive... but i think i lied to myself when it came to my boss.. thinking that he had some decency in him when he doesn't.. lesson to myself.. listen to my instincts..

i mean even if it did get resolved then what? i will always know that i had to fight for my rights and i got it despite him.. how would i deal with him after that? i always base my relationships with people on respect.. and find that if i do lose respect for someone then i cannot deal with them ever again.. and i have lost all my respect for this person.. and i will not be able to deal with him anymore.. its a dilemma.

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